Helping Musicians Help Themselves!
Member # 2
posted 03 August 2003 11:37 AM
Q: Do you think that it's ok to have a one night stand with a friend, or to just keep looking for love?
A: Been there, done that.
It is NOT a good idea. I mean that's my experience, anyway. Great way to lose a friend.
You wouldn't consider have sex with family, right? Consider friends as you would family.
It's like a forced situation. Boundaries tend to be relaxed because you are friends. And yet, somehow, you *know* that this is an abuse of friendship.
If true love is what you want, then self-discipline is your very best friend.
If the other person does not really matter to you, and you are absolutely certain that you could care less if you ever see this person again, then sure, why the hell not?
Otherwise, don't kid yourself.
It matters. and it'll stick around and haunt you no matter whether you see this person ever again or not. If you do see them again, it'll become kind of annoying and maybe irritating as comments tend to fly back and forth now and then... the emotional burden retains the stigma.
If you do not see the person again, it'll haunt you ever more as an unresolved emotional burden. Regrets will come from things you may not be able to prevent. Avoid this one while you have the chance now to prevent it.
If you really want to sleep with this person, then build it up in the same way you would with someone you actually care about. or might care about... and if you're not accustomed to this, maybe now is a good time to start practicing what it is like to delay pleasure and build upon the intimacy and desire for that pleasure without taking advantage of every single opportunity to finish it off.
That's what sex *is* in most cases, it's just a completion of what has been going on already.
Sex can be wonderful up until the point that it's over... and then it's over.
Every single time I slept with one of my friends... when I was a teenager/young adult... it ended in discomfort (spiritually between us)... despite the fact that I still remember some of those times as absolutely the most sensual and seductive of times in my early sex life. It's not always going to be so sensual and seductive and rapturing... one of those occasions took three hours of touching and basic admiration for how beautiful she was ... just marvelling in it with finger tips and caresses and light massage... just fantastic elements of foreplay... but in the end... it was terrible for our friendship. How I felt toward her and she toward me... developing a rift between us that later on she tried to close and re-capture the intimacy... and I allowed her to get close in a matter of pacification, but I could no longer get close to her at that point... I could not seek intimacy in a sexual way with her, then. Details, details... We're still friends... but since then never like we were then. It's tantalising, sometimes even a bit tormenting... but never so tormenting as after it is over.
Why? Because it was not meant to be more than fleeting... and that can be very damaging to a friendship.
When you make love, you must mean it.
It's terrible not to mean it, no matter what the circumstances. Sure, it's lust when you're actually having sex... and that's natural... but before that, making love must be sincere...
Realise that making love is everything about intimacy... not just penetration. Not just physical contact. You will learn the depth of what this means in time... affection is love. and that can be withheld to much greater detriment than withholding actual sex.
The problem with making love is that going from zero - 600mph with someone means that you need to feel comfortable with how to build up to that point, and generally yes, that means a lot of one night stands...(not always ending in sex)... but don't do that with your friends.
Just be safe about it, and remember that your friends are the most important people you can have in your life (and family, too).
The problem you may have with non-friends.. is that you might actually get close to non-friends and you may be afraid that that's where feelings will be hurt.
Sure, that's always a possibility, but believe me, they will get over it and so will you.
When it's friends though... neither of you will *ever* get over it.
The only way to change that is to mean it. and to really plan on making it to where that friend becomes your lover. and to do that, you must ensnare that person into your charms and to do so honestly... nothing sinister like tricking someone into sleeping with you. That's not the point.
You must ensnare someone by making it to where they are intimately involved in your personality and interests and YOU (not your friends, but YOU)... either they will be emotionally unable to remove themselves from you, or they will float away...
This is often a difficult thing to discern...
It's okay to ask.
Don't pester... but just casually ask...
Where are we going with the time that we spend together? Where are we going with this relationship?
My experience has always been to live with someone. That's usually going to lead somewhere... usually breaking up...
I learn a lot along the way. About what I need and what I do not need.
With every dissolved relationship, I learn more about what it is I exactly want and what I would exclude from my next relationship.
These things find clarity in the space between relationships. and that space really should be considerably lengthy enough to allow for that clarity to sink in and make some sense out of what you really need and what you can live without.
Jett Black - NocturnalMovements.net
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Posts: 1065 | From: Portland, Oregon | Registered: Oct 2002
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